It took me slightly over 2 months to get used to all this newness in our lives. I started to think about the nursery and how I wanted to decorate, paint the walls and any essentials I needed Joe to dig out of the crawl space in our basement around middle of December. Up until that moment I was still struggling to envision bringing this baby home. My sister and Joe keep telling me that I need to stay positive and have hope in order to be strong and that I really need to give this baby a chance, but I couldn’t get the horrible thoughts out of my head that there is a possibility that we would not be able to bring him home with us ever. I had to fight with myself to take that step and go to the paint store or Babies R US for décor because all I could think of is that if I do all this: prepare the nursery, bring out the car seat, buy the clothes and I won’t bring this baby home, I think I would die by having to see all that emptiness. It’s that instinct that you want to protect yourself from reminding you of grieving or a loss, but finally I realized that I must prepare and hope for the best and not dwell on the bad.
It took a long time to do this: almost 10 weeks, 3 echocardiograms, 4 ultrasounds, reading almost a hundred blogs from moms in similar situations (good and bad outcomes), searching HLHS on the net on English sites and Polish sites, watching a taped Norwood procedure, joining a few heart mom groups and much more.
Now it’s 10 weeks away the nursery preparations are finally beginning but I feel like time is running away from me. I think that I know exactly what is waiting for me, my son, my family. I read so many blogs just like this one from moms who just were diagnosed with HLHS a few weeks after me to moms whose kids lost the battle, those undergoing the journey as I type this and those who went through all the staged surgeries. I saw the pictures of babies’ right post surgery, 2+ days, 6+ days, months post surgery and I think I’m ready for all of this, but the reality is no matter how much I feel like I can be prepared for this to happen I have absolutely no control over what happens after the baby is born.
It’s all in Gods hands, the hands of the surgeon nurses and staff at the hospital. Most importantly, it depends on how much the baby can handle, how strong he is and how his fragile little body will react to all that will be going around him. So for now please pray for my son. We must have faith.
Based on his activity level in my belly, I would say the kiddo is strong. Sometimes he kicks so hard that I have to stand up, all this is a good sign, and I have only jokingly complained of any discomfort or pain. All this I feel like I took for granted before especially when I was pregnant with Emily. I didn’t pay much attention to the kicks or flutters, the little things. Now I’m so glad when I get good growth reports from the ultrasound tech or when the cardiologist tells me that there are no leaks in the veins. I get worried if I don’t feel him move during one half hour even so I poke him to see if he’ll react, though I shouldn’t do that, I should let the baby sleep. The healthier this baby is overall including weight and all other development the better he will adapt to the new circulatory system the doctors will create for him.
So now we wait until our baby boy makes his debut and we’ll see how we do. I will update the blog when it’s time to go and then on our progress so that whoever cares to know will be able to follow along on our journey.